Love and Family

So break is totally going NOT according to plan. Not enough reading, not enough writing, and a whole lot of nothing. I told myself I was going to try to write something here every day and its been ten days since my last post. My last post was me telling myself that I'm going to get something done and here I am in fact, NOT DOING IT. But I digress, while break may have been completely unproductive this far and I'm going back to Philly this weekend, it isn't to say that I've spent break thus far without learning anything.

Small update, I'm finally back on the east coast after having been in Chicago for a week with a small visit to Wisconsin somewhere in there. Heading to North Jersey to see family for what appears to be a boring New Years yet again :(. And then it's off to Connecticut to see more family then I'm getting dropped off in Philly on Sunday on my parents' way home to Maryland.

So back to the core of this post... I REALLY love my family! And I do not mean just my parents and sister but my extended family as well. My parents told me an amazing story about my grandparents and to be honest I could not help but break down a little bit over it. For the early part of my life, my mom's parents raised me so my parents could work. Not only did they help raise my sister and me but also my two cousins because our moms worked together. They definitely sacrificed a lot of time and energy to make things work so our parents could provide for us. The day of my eighth grade graduation, my grandma passed away and so my grandpa was on his own. Over time his health has consistently grown worse. Multiple strokes have rendered him unable to move most of his body and his memory is not always there.

So my mom was telling me how hard my grandparents worked to provide for their children ( my mom/aunts/uncle). My grandparents always encouraged the attitude of give everything for your future, and in this case when they were talking, they were talking about their kids, and respectively when telling this to their kids, they meant me and my cousins. I have always considered myself blessed with a lot of great things in my life but I always assumed that aside from God they all came from my parents. When my grandma passed away, she passed out her inheritance to her children. She had one desire for the inheritance though, and that it would go towards the grandchildren. All the hard work my grandparents put forth to make ends meet was actually in order to see their grandchildren do well. Basically, my grandparents are paying for a part of my college tuition and expenses.

That completely humbled me. Sometimes it is sooooo easy to get wrapped up in our own work that we forget what are working for. My grandparents obviously knew what they were working towards, and to see my grandpa immobile in a nursing home eating through a tube, and barely coherent because he is heavily sedated just broke me. The guy that I was looking at, who because of so many strokes, hardly remembers me, yet gave me so many things, opportunities, and blessings.

That brings me more towards the present. My cousins and I are so blessed to have our grandparents who did so much for our parents and us. In this spirit of the Christmas that just passed, it has definitely reminded, and brought us closer together. I love my family <3.

Cousins <3

BREAK

So this break, there are a few things I want to get done. A list of sorts if you will. I hope I will actually stick to this a lot more than the list I made last year. I still have two books unread from last year's winter break sitting on my bookshelf... I should get on that. But yea, anyways here it is.

- Work out a lot more. I know this is a really undefined goal. I would say work out everyday but I'm going to be travelling a lot. So until then push ups and sit ups everyday until I get back to Philly where I can definitely work out everyday. :)

- This one isn't as much of a goal as it is a deadline... FINISH CHOREOGRAPHY!!! Or better yet... start choreography. Thank you Karen for offering to help! Love you long time.

- Pick up the guitar more.

- Read at least two books. Don't know which two, any recommendations? I'm not limiting myself to two, but at least two would definitely be nice. :)

- Write and articulate my thoughts in a well formed way. So I was looking at my drafts on this blog and there are actually a lot of incomplete posts that I have just left to sit and rot. Even though they may not be applicable to what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling right now, I want to finish them and try to retrace where I was going with the thought. I think that'll be an interesting little task this break.

- A small goal. To NOT do nothing for New Year's Eve. Last year my entire family fell asleep at 10:30pm leaving me with NOTHING TO DO!!!

- DANCE MORE. Definitely more Koresh when I get back to Philly. Who's with me!?!

- While this list is subject to change, this is my last one for now. I need to recenter myself in Him. I want everything I do to be clear in motive that it's for His glory and honor and praise. I know that sounds vague but I just want to clear my mind of issues and problems and focus hard on God coming in to this new year.


Now how about you? What do you plan to do with yourself? :)

So Maybe..

So maybe I've grown...
Calloused, cynical, selfish, tired, annoyed, curious?


So for a little while, I'm just going to stand here and not make a move... and see what you do.

How are you going to respond? :P

Love, Love, Love

This weekend was GOOD :) and after all of that, it made me think about the things in my life I'm thankful for.

I LOVE skating. I know I don't really keep up with it anymore, but everyone has some kind of emotional release and for me skating is still IT. I love just riding on my edges and cutting through the ice. Go fast, turn left. I LOVE IT :D

Late night talks. Whether it's the random phone call in the middle of the night, or the random pulling over to the side of the road and just talking about WHATEVER!! I love it.

I LOVE my friends. Even through serious stuff, or if were just doing whatever, I love the fact that I can just talk, or not talk and just sit in silence or find comfort in them. I'm really thankful for you guys, and I don't think you really know how much I love all of you :) :) :)

I LOVE my 2010. You guys are truly awesome. Even though we don't always hang out and even though we all hang out in our different groups, it was truly amazing to see all of us come together like we did tonight with the freshman and just spend time together as a group.

I LOVED this Sunday's sermon. Time to apply it and keep moving forward.


Happy studying and good luck with finals guys :D

Stick to Your Guns

Let me open up my head to you for a little bit so you can see what thoughts are occupying my head at the moment instead of working on this term paper...

Relationships seem to be all the talk lately. Who likes who, who is dating who, who is and isn't talking to who. All that jazz. It's kind of funny how every time this season comes around I get caught in parts of it whether I want to be in it or not. Every time, I find myself re-evaluating where I am as a person and where I am with God. I think back to the high school graduate version of me telling myself that I wouldn't date until I could sort out my life, and while I've had my fair share of distractions, I can say that I stuck to that I would not date rule, even though some of the reasons for this vary.

Each time one of these moments happen, I always search for a lesson to be learned. Whether it's as simple as THAT KIND OF PERSON IS BAD FOR YOU! or something that I learned about myself, I manage to walk away with some food for thought.

While I've been digesting on quite a bit of material regarding relationships recently, one thing stuck out to me as of late. A girl was saying to someone I know that he was TOO NICE, and that if he wanted to find a girl he should just be more of a jerk. That's one thing I'll never understand is the female fascination with the bad boys haha.

And while sure I can see it landing a guy a few dates, I don't think that's gonna land him in a place he wants to be. The thing I've come to realize this weekend is that no matter what, I'm going to stick to my guns. When I talk about relationships with people, especially GCC heads, a lot of them always bring up Pastor Barry's relationship seminar. And while I definitely think what P.Barry taught was REALLY REALLY good and informative, the seminar that sticks out to me the most was the one that took place a year before and was given by Pastor Fred. Can you lead, provide, and protect? (Sorry girls, this was one of the guys seminars so I don't have anything to offer you but a chance for you to pick my brain :P)

Actually, as I think about it, I take back what I just said in the parentheses. Guys, ask yourself this question and be honest with yourself about it. Girls, ask yourself this. Can he lead, provide and protect me? Obviously as college students there's only so much provision in terms of physical things but in regards to spiritually and emotionally, think about it. Maybe I've become too calloused and reserved in terms of relationships, but sometimes taking a step back and looking at the big picture instead of rushing in is the best thing to do.

Call it feeble minded, lacking initiative, or whatever you wish but I'm sticking to my guns. Lead, provide, protect. Just think and pray about it, and if you're on the fence about something relationally, why not aim for it?

It Says What It Means

I'm so bad at listening to my own words. I hear all the times I've given advice go through my head to slap me in the face as a reminder and I can't follow through on the words I've given others. It's interesting in a self critical and hypocritical kind of way. My brain feels like rotting. After this week all I have are incoherent random thoughts to post. Sorry guys for the lack of content.

Things I'm looking forward to:
-Alice in Wonderland
-Sherlock Holmes
-Final Fantasy XIII
-Dante's Inferno
-Winter Break
- there were a few books but I lost my reading list =\

----------------------------
-Okay time for sheer randomness:
-Apparently my lack of giving attention to people because my life got busy warrants hatred.
-When someone asks for honesty... they don't really want it?
-Pick up your phone
-What are you thinking?
-My toilet broke while I was gone this weekend... thanks guys/girls? o_O
-Full Measure was awesome this weekend. Great job guys! :)
- <3 Overflow. You guys are awesome!
-Twice I've gone up to people thinking I know who they are, only to find out that
they are complete strangers.
-I'm sorry?
-For some reason I love Ecclesiastes... I wonder what that's all about.
-I really like the Choco Cat charm I bought for my cell phone.
-I have a term paper due Weds. and I'm listing random thoughts on blogspot instead of thesis ideas.
-Reciprocate PLEASE. I don't care if it's good or bad. Just do it! NIKE haha
-I need to pray more. Do you have any prayer requests? Let me know!
-Goo Goo Dolls "Let Love In" album is AWESOME. ( yes I know it's four years old)
-I need to find more studio time for choreography
-I need to dance more.
-This weekend was very very bittersweet.
-Where are the cards I ordered? I'm ready to start playing in tournaments again.
-I hope my new deck idea works :D
-I love cheesy humor. Just watched Get Smart for kicks.
-Chima this Friday for lunch? Let me or Dave Seok know. We need to plan/ make reservations.
-It's 2:30 AM and I'm still full from dinner at Cheesecake Factory today.
-Thanks for hanging out with me this weekend, when I needed to get away for a little bit. You're a lifesaver. Thank you thank you thank you.
-Congrats to the new GCC members!
- Two more days of class till reading days.
-Let's GO ICE SKATING!
-This list is getting long and my eyes are getting sleepy. Good Night! :)

Advent Conspiracy

So it's back to school, and already I feel the final weeks weighing down on me. But less on that, and MORE on THIS!

So today I visited my home church CCC+C. As Pastor LT closed out by talking about this organization called Advent Conspiracy. Their motto is Worship FULLY, Spend LESS, Give MORE, Love ALL When I saw it in the church bulletin that phrase really blew me away. So simple but so powerful were these words. Advent Conspiracy is about trying to raise money for clean water around the world and rallying churches together to get it done. And while we don't have GCC plugged into this organization, the message in general for this holiday to me was REALLY POWERFUL. As we enter this holiday season, I really hope we can focus on our relationships with one another and God, and not so much about those little things. Please watch these promotion videos. I'm not asking you to join this cause because I know as college students we don't always have much, but think about the message they're trying to send us, their audience, and let's enjoy this winter season together! :)

Thanksgiving

So I had this long Thanksgiving post about how I'm thankful for all these people and things in my life but I deleted it because I didn't like what I wrote. This year has been pretty difficult but I'm thankful for all of it and all the interactions I've had with so many great people. Usually I write about who I'm thankful for and why but this year, if you really want to know just ask and I'll tell you why I'm thankful for you! :) I hope that you guys have had a good holiday and have been safe :)

School soon...sad

P.S. I posted a few pics on facebook!

Childish

So I start with digressing from my title right away. NINJA ASSASSIN!!!! Okay... to be honest it wasn't that good. Girls if you really want to see Rain, I hope you don't have a weak stomach for blood and gore and seeing people's heads cut open. Terrible dialogue and plot but the action was SICKKKK!!!! :D

Okay back on track. So on my way back from the movies I was walking back from the bus stop and I saw these two kids poking their heads out the window of the SUV they were in. My first thought was... "Wow, what kind of parents let their kids do something like that? I mean seriously the kids had half of their body OUT OF THE WINDOW!" But I was actually really blessed by what they said as they were at the red light. They were looking at the Verizon building that's in Chinatown. It's right across the street from Hong Kong bakery and Choo Choo's. They were looking and pointing at it and said with such amazement, "WOOOOOOOOOOOW that building is SOOOO BIG AND PRETTY!!!!!" When I looked at the building all I saw was, an internet service that cuts out every now and then, and a cell phone that doesn't do what I want it to do such as making calls and sending texts.

But as I thought about it, I was really blessed by those kids' amazement at such a puny and awkwardly placed building. This isn't one of those beauty in the broken posts but instead what struck me most was the kids' perspective on the things around them. This past week Pastor Young spoke of how God baby's us a lot when were young and as we grow older and more mature, there is less of it because we know where to find our footing in God. But I think there is another point to this whole topic of God babying us less and less. Aside from growing older and more mature, I wish for that childlike perspective again, where everything around me is truly amazing so that I can find continual refreshment in the blessings in my life. I think this is an awesome way to look at things going into Thanksgiving. :)

Humor Me

God's humor never ceases to amaze me. While some people may not believe that God is one to humor us, I strongly disagree. I feel that God can humor us to teach us, humble us, and eventually lead us in the directions he wants us to go. Have you ever approached a situation thinking that you would not succeed so you didn't? For me that happens a lot but the next part is the interesting part. For some reason you feel compelled by either conviction or self motivation to actually approach or attempt whatever it is. By this time I would already be in motion only to be stumped by God. He'll say no or humble me telling me that what I wanted was overly ambitious or just not right. And the moment you humble yourself, He brings that element back in to your life.

It's funny how these things work. It could be a person you've liked for a long time who you have given up on, only to find that the moment you let go, God brings her presence back in stronger than ever. I can't help but laugh at something like that. Not that it changes anything at the moment.

I could list a bunch of occassions this has happened to me. Promotions, internships, relationships, it happens everywhere for me and I have actually learned a lot from it. I think one of my favorite moments was my freshman year in Overflow. We were pairing off for a piece and I told myself I wouldn't mind being paired with any of the girls except for this one girl. Low and behold I was paired with the one I didn't wish to be with. But God taught me two things here. One, love each person equally, especially in a family such as Overflow, and two, "I use people who you would think the least likely to reach out to you and love you."

A lot of people have different words describing God. Savior, healer, my salvation, so on and so forth. But for me the most accurate word describing how He impacts my life is Deliverer. God has delivered me from so many problematic things and has brought so many wonderful things and people into my life... It just happens that a lot of it seems to make me laugh and for that I'm thankful :)

The Turkleton Conundrum

PASSION!!! First off I'd like to say that this weekend and the Passion Revival at GCC was amazing. Bringing it back to the basics were definitely needed and the prayer done and received was very refreshing. But more on that later. A lot of people seem to be writing on it, plus I have other stuff on my mind. Well actually, I'll probably tie it in with Passion a little bit :)

So in an attempt to kick back and find a way to distract myself from all the chaos in my life, I threw season one of Scrubs into my DVD player earlier this week. First off might I say that Scrubs is AWESOME and probably one of my favorite shows ever. Regardless of how awesome the show is, I digress. There was an episode that really struck me and got me thinking. But before I get to my point, here's a little plot summary. I'll try to keep it short.

In season one, three of the main characters are fresh out of medical school and are interning at a hospital together. Considering it's a major change in lifestyle for all of them, their eyes are opened to many things they never thought about. The character I want to focus on is Chris Turk. Okay plot summary over.

During this episode, it's the Christmas holiday. Turk loves Christmas and has always believed that God is always watching over everyone, so during the holiday season he's especially festive and excited. However it's his first time working in a hospital over Christmas and he sees all sorts of people coming in because of various accidents and problems. The scene cuts out as you see all sorts of people getting wheeled into the hospital. At this point it's what Turk says that struck me. He's talking to his girlfriend.

"Honey, all my life I've believed that God watches over us and takes care of us. But tonight on Christmas of all nights, I see all these people come in hurt and on the verge of death. How can I believe that God watches over us when I see all these people that I can't help die in front of me"

At this point, my heart definitely ached and I was really broken. It made me think about all the people around us including ourselves as our faiths are tested by various events. It's so easy to lose hope because of some of the negativity that surrounds us at times, and that can lead to us stumbling. As I thought about this, I thought about the future and what kind of things ahead are going to test me. And while I know what lies ahead is definitely not going to be easy, I want to tackle it on faith alone. The line from the song Hosanna "Break my heart for what breaks yours" popped up in my head, and to be honest, since Passion that line has been with me.

God has given us so many gifts and talents, and when we see all these people hurt and aching around us, we CANNOT lose faith. With our talents and blessings, we should reach out and help those around it. It does not take a doctor to do that (well sometimes it does :P). I don't think I need to post Matthew 25 in here.

So here's my tie in with Passion:

God, break my heart for what breaks yours. Strengthen me so that I can straighten myself in You in times of trouble, that I may be able to rise up to whatever occasion with complete faith and trust in you that Your love and blessings may pour from me to those who need you and who You cry for. Use me.

Maturity

So last night I got the rare chance to see an old face that I don't really get a chance to see or even talk to for that matter and it was REALLY refreshing just to catch up. Caught up on school, friends, Christ, relationships, and other random happenings and we both came to one thought. We don't know anything! Looking back to our freshman year we both respected and looked up to our upperclassmen. They seemed to have all the answers and spoke great words of wisdom into our hearts that taught and convicted us to live our lives for God. But here we are as seniors (in our case 4th years) and we both sat there wondering... "So God ... where is this wisdom you gave our older brothers and sisters? How come we don't seem to have all the answers?"

It's kind of funny. I wrote the above portion earlier this afternoon before heading to Passion tonight and ran out of time to finish so I just left this post undone on my laptop. I don't remember what I was going to say or how I was going to finish this post off before Passion but after tonight's revival I know this post is going to go in a completely different direction than I had originally intended.

Tonight's Passion was REALLY good for me. While the message was very light, it hit me hard. As we grow older, whether we like it or not we continuously grow content and cocky. Realizing last night that I don't know squat was just the tip of the iceberg in regards to not knowing anything. As Pastor Sam spoke tonight, he called for us to cry out to God and be like David when he had lost his family and had his own army threaten him with death. Instead of responding in anger or turning to flee, the bible says that David turned to God.

I was going to write earlier about how insecure it feels to not know these answers when there are those around us who look to us and are seeking answers from us. But right now the answer stands in front of me as a slap in the face reminder. CRY out to God! Instead of looking for other ways to get an answer or seek ways to escape our issues, selfishly lay our burdens before God. So right now while I may not have the answers, I know that this is what I can contribute as an example to help those before, behind, and besides me. :) LIVE OUT LOUD!!!

Motion and Expression

Its 2:23 AM and while I know that it's not late for some of you, it's late for me. Usually I'm out around 12-1 but I can't sleep so I thought I'd get some stuff off my chest.

Song and dance are truly amazing. I am so blessed that God has placed these two things in my life and at such a high frequency. There is something about it that is beyond description. While I try my best some times to articulate the ramblings inside of my head, sometimes the only way to really get them out is through singing or dancing. Even if the people you want your message to reach don't receive it, belting out your emotions like that can be so satisfying.

Maybe I'm misunderstood or just don't know how to express myself directly through words? Regardless, call it escapism, expression or whatever you want... song and dance shall never cease to amaze and bless me.

Pursuit

Have you ever chased something before for the longest time. And then when you think you're close to your goal or objective, you realize that it's not the direction you want to be going in. On so many different levels this is me right now. It's weird though. If one realizes he or she is going in the wrong direction then chooses a different direction to go in then technically you're saving time instead of continuing on the previously plotted direction. But for some reason I can't bring myself to think like that. The only thing going through my head is "How did I get here?", "Why did I let myself continue like this?", and "What changed?"

Hmmm ... I don't know what to do with myself.

Four Years and the Plan

So after a little discussion, I started looking back at things I wrote in the past. Not in the past as in the almost year that it has been posting on this blog, but on Xanga from years and years ago. I started Xanga in 2004, and I was a sophomore in high school so you can imagine all the posts I went through and the amount of time I spent in self reflection. I didn't get that far because it was late and I fell asleep, but two posts dating up to before I entered college caught my eyes. One was a survey I took to answer questions about myself to kill time and tell people about myself, and one was a Thanksgiving post from junior year of high school and I was giving thanks to people in my life.

I think I'll start out with the Thanksgiving post because I feel like it's less meaningful. Basically I was posting and saying how I was thankful for this girl that I knew. It involved things like "your cute cute face," "your witty remarks," and had something to do with how they "relieve me of pain and stress." Looking back on this I thought of two things. 1) WHAT ON EARTH (besides a female's aesthetics" WOULD COMPEL ME TO SPEAK LIKE THAT!? and 2) WHY CAN'T I TALK TO GIRLS LIKE THAT ANYMORE?!?

It's mildly amusing to me at least that the questions go in different directions. The answer to both though lies in these past four years. In a random string of words I think this is the answer. Times change, people change, I matured (hopefully?), Church, GCC, have a different sense for respecting people of the opposite sex? I think that would be about right.

The second post that caught my attention was from senior year of high school after I knew I was going to be going to Temple. The question was:

"Where do you see yourself in the future?"

My answer was:

"Off to Temple for 4 years and then Law School"

LAW SCHOOL?!? Since freshman year and having to take classes regarding law and the type of studying I had to do for the class, law school has turned me off. To be honest I have no idea why I wanted to go into law. Considering how fast these past three or so years have gone by, I find it amazing that my heart and the things I want have changed so much. In some cases, this little epiphany scares me as well. Four years ago I had a plan, a place I wanted to end up, with a goal, objective, and hopes all lined up. Here I am now, four years later, not wanting anything to do with that plan, having some of the same hopes, and having no idea what the future is really going to look like. Compared to the International Business Administration, and Marketing double major on his way to law school, who thought he knew what was in store for him, the current me seems so weak and brittle.

I guess the follow up question for myself is "What changed?" While there are a few virtues I still hold dear to me, a lot of other things have changed, and while I know God has played a big role in these years in college, there has got to be something in me that has changed and the fact that I can't pinpoint it, bugs me. It's scary and exciting where these next years are going to lead me and what else might change.

More on these virtues and things later. :)

Family

Yes...I am posting twice in one day. Don't know why, but I felt compelled to write a little bit.

There's something really comforting about family. I can't really describe it but homely. That being said, it sounds really basic and pointless but maybe that's just because you might not understand where I'm coming from. While I love my parents and my sister, sometimes being family is rough. A lot of you can sympathize there I'm sure. My parents are unrelenting, and always asking questions about my life. The friends I have, my school work, if I have a girlfriend, and even sometimes asking if I washed my face and eat something for breakfast. When I say unrelenting, I mean, they call and talk to me everyday to the point where sometimes I feel like I am being suffocated and get really frustrated. This is just from living a state or two away from them while I'm at school. When I'm home it definitely gets worse at times.

The point is, today was and is absolutely miserable. I had a midterm which surprisingly went well I think, and a lot of group work in which one of the guys in my group dropped when we were already underhanded, and another where apparently no one has the motivation to do work, leaving me fuming here in the tech lab trying to get something done while contemplating dropping the class because I refuse to do work while other people get the credit this entire semester. (I've already done a report for all of them once to save my grade.)

But enough venting, the point I'm trying to get at is this. Today my mom dropped off my sister back in Philly at school and took a little detour beforehand to pick me up after my midterm to take me out to dim sum, then drop me off at school again so I could me with my group (or the lack thereof.) On the way back to school after eating I passed out in the car for maybe twenty minutes, and in all honesty, that was the best twenty minutes of sleep I've had in a long time since school has started. Mind you I'm sitting upright in a car, and it was an amazing twenty minute nap. I guess there's a comfort in letting your guard down, being vulnerable, and just knowing you have your family there for you even though you guys might fight, bicker, and argue nonstop. But today I guess was a reminder that home really is where the heart is.

I'M ON A BOAT!

Haha. I wish I was on a boat right now. Sadly, I'm stuck in the library cramming for an English midterm while worrying about the report that is due at 5:30pm today wondering if my three other group mates have died because no one has answered my calls or emails all weekend. And as of right now I refuse to solo another five person report thats 10 pages long during my break. But yea, my parents finally got a sailboat and I can't wait to go home and take it out for a ride. I really wish right now that I was not at school, but somewhere else sailing off somewhere. My dad is in the red testing out the boat. The boat won't be named Orca anymore. I think my dad was pretty set on naming it Hosanna. Pretty witty eh? It does have our last name in it haha. :) Anyways, happy midterming guys!




P.S. The boat is a lot bigger than the picture makes it out to be. You can seat six people where the two guys are standing. ;-)

Superheroes

So far here's my take on life this semester. It's lonely, it's busy, and full of so many things that need to be done but for some reason I'm stepping back instead of up. Maybe it's just the group of people that I associate with but this fall seems kind of depressing. Even some people I know who are in relationships are still saying how lonely this world is. As I was reflecting with someone earlier last week, I realized that even though it seems pretty lonely and depressing right now, I'm not alone. I don't mean this in a profound religious way because in my case God will always be with me :).

I think all of us have our own superheroes that are with us. I'm not talking about our childish fantasies of the Justice League or our local policeman and firefighters, but the friends that we have that will be there for us when we fall flat on our faces. Even though a lot of us are busy right now and drowning in our own work and issues, there are those superheroes who I know would drop their stuff and come save me, and I would do the exact same for them. It's a comforting feeling thinking about that, and it's something that has shown me how grateful I am for the friends and company I've been blessed with, and I'm sure you know who you are. If not then I have issues conveying that and I need to thank you more.

My challenge for those of you guys who are reading this and have been feeling that lonely fall depressed mood is that you should think of who the superheroes are in your life and find comfort in the company God has blessed you with. Sometimes the thing to cure those bad feelings is really close by (wow that sounded really really sappy). :)

Shatter My Darkness

So yesterday I fell in love with this song by Matt Maher named "Alive Again." To be honest, at first I didn't really like it. The rhythm in the intro is kind of awkward feeling but the lyrics are good. The chorus is what I fell in love with though.

"You called and You shouted,
Broke through my deafness
Now I'm breathing in and breathing out,
I'm alive again
You shattered my darkness
Washed away my blindness
Now I'm breathing in and breathing out
I'm alive again"

Have you ever felt like God is yelling at you but because you hold on to these other materialistic things, you can't hear what He really has to say and offer? I really like the line "You shattered my darkness" because I feel like we hold onto these things for more than they're worth and God comes in and just breaks us. Right now I'm really praying that God come down and breaks me once again. Whatever things that are hindering me, thoughts that confuse me, I just pray that He washes these things. I just want to go back to being kid again with none of these worries or feelings that are running through my head.

Anything That Can Go Wrong Will Go Wrong

"Anything that can go wrong will go wrong." This is better known as Murphy's Law. Today without a doubt, is a great example of this. This weekend, (while having an awesome weeked :D) I had to write a bunch of reports for numerous classes. I had to email my draft to my group mates so they could revise it and then turn it in. Apparently it did not get done and my professor is very strict about accepting late work, so I apologized and begged to see if maybe she'll think about accepting the work that was thirty minutes late. After that, my mom called me today to tell me that her closest friend's son, who was also a friend and childhood playmate of mine past away. While I haven't talked to him in a very long time, it's really sad that I know I won't be able to see him again when I go back to Chicago to visit. Since, I was rushing this morning to turn in my report late, I rushed out of my apartment without thinking and thus forgot my laptop charger and my textbook at home. Without my charger, I would have to stay confined to the loud and obnoxious tech center for 5 hours while I study and work on my other two remaining reports. And just my luck that my Gmail account and Firefox crashed in the lab so I had to wait for people to finish up on other computers so I could log into a new one and continue my work.

So yea, I mean of course there are plenty of worse things that could happen, and yes I should probably not be saying this because it might end up jinxing my day leading to make it worse, but I don't care. A friend commented on my Facebook today with this verse in response to how I said my day has been just terrible.

2 Corinthians 4:7-12

⁷But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. ⁸We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. ¹⁰We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. ¹¹For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. ¹²So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

Even though this day thus far has been extremely crappy, and my work ethic has gone down the crapper for the day, I found comfort in this verse. For now at least, I can take all the scenarios my head is cranking out, the bad day, and homework and put them aside knowing that we have this treasure in jars of clay.

P.S. I have awesome friends <3

Empty Nesters

So the time has finally come. A new school year has begun and today was the first day but a little more on that later. More importantly, my sister now is starting college which means my parents are now without children at home. I guess this means more parental nagging. Already within less than 5 days of us moving back to school my parents have gone really far. Calling more often to check up on me to telling me to watch out for swine flu and be prepared and buy those masks to cover your mouth when you go outside. It has even gotten so far to the point where they are now asking me about my ATM withdrawals. Today, I was asked if I am withdrawing money for drugs, or illegal activities, if I have any debts and have people chasing after me. This continued on to, if I now am spending money on a girl and if I am sexually active. You can imagine the frustration that's going on here. You would think that after cleaning up academically in an attempt to get my parents to leave me alone a little bit would make things better. *Sigh* I guess the grass is always greener.

A Little Bit on Love

Reflecting to high school, and the beginning of college, it seemed like relationships were so much easier. I can't put my thumb on why I feel this way but I kinda just feel like that. In high school, if a person had feelings for someone, they'd just say it and go with it. Nowadays, I find myself thinking so much about the action and reaction, that things just get so complicated. I guess I bring this up because I'm visiting home right now and am cleaning up my new room and all the things that were moved from our old house. I found a lot of notes, and written conversations I had with people. Things that without a doubt are overly sappy and romantic. I don't feel like divulging what kind of stuff on here but if your that curious you can always just ask me. But regardless, it seems that relationships get harder as we get older. The only reason that I can think of without compromising my pride is that we get more mature and start considering the feelings of others before our own.

Forward Motion

"Cause I struggle with forward motion
I struggle with forward motion
We all struggle with forward motion
Cause forward motion is harder than it sounds
Well everytime I gain some ground
I gotta turn myself around again
Its harder than it sounds
Well everytime I gain some ground
I gotta turn myself around again"

Yea, forward motion terrifies me. As much as I try to hide it or even push to the back of my head, it leaves me absolutely petrified. I'm pretty sure it applies to all parts of my life right now. My relationships, my studies, and most importantly, my faith. A lame excuse that I keep feeding myself is that I'm still calculating all the next possible moves in my head and then I will make my calculated decision which never comes.

I think it really comes down to the fact that I'm scared of forward motion. Forward motion means change. Change means winning and losing, and there are some things right now that I don't want to lose. I find it ironic that I love the game of chess. I love all the movements, strategies, and how intense a game can get when your playing with someone who loves the game as much as you. In chess, you make moves knowing that in the exchange you're going to lose pieces in order to gain some ground and move forward, and watching the development of the board is on of the coolest things to see. However, as much as I've related chess to life over these years, and how life is a game, it's not. You can think of all the actions and reactions you possibly could imagine and try to apply that mentality to life but there's one problem there... We are human. That may sound so simple and basic yet it's something that keeps hitting me over the head. The events, people, and things we hold onto so dear in our lives are not wooden pieces on a board of black and white tiles. It if were that easy, I would without a doubt not be letting my fingers frantically hammer away at my keyboard before I forget what's bothering me. Okay, I have digressed enough.

It's because were human that we cannot let go of these things around us, and it makes things harder on ourselves. Letting go is exactly what God asks us to do when he asks us to follow him, and even though we all say that we will and take up the cross, I have to admit, it's probably the thing I have the hardest time dealing with. Even though I know there is so much more, and after all the lessons, when push comes to shove, I'm still sitting here on my butt. It's so hard when life is comfortable. It's the same thing with relationships. Who would want to risk that awesome friendship to potentially make more of it? (Well obviously some of you guys don't have this problem and are exempt :P) For me it's hard. I guess the excuse for this one would be previous pains and hardship so thus I'm taking the easy backdoor and sticking to friendships.

The more one sits there, thinking that where they are is safe, the more they can see how the world is passing them by and what shaky ground they're actually sitting on. I guess what I'm asking God for is more of a shove. I'm selfishly asking for more, and to be honest, I hate it. And I guess that's one of the first steps, realizing we can't do this by ourselves.

WoW! What an Awesome Day

So today I had an opportunity to do something spontaneous. I completely just went with the flow of things and had an awesome day. As some people reading this know, I am a big video gamer. I especially like to play WoW or World of Warcraft when I have the time. Gaming and dorkiness aside, an aspect I really enjoy about the game is the community you get from playing with a bunch of people from all over the world. While a lot of people reading this might think, "COMMUNITY?! A WOW COMMUNITY?!? Sounds like a bunch of boys getting together to have some quality nerd talk," some of these people may surprise you with who they are. I mean, of course there are your group of extreme nerds and insanely weird people but, I've met cops, kid geniuses, people who work for nasa, people working on their PhD in finance, who live overseas, and some kids just like me. None of us know anything about each other and it usually stays that way. Today I got a chance to go hang out with two of them. We took a mini road trip to the jersey shore and spent the day hanging out and getting to meet each other in real life and just kick it. I'm not gonna lie. For a group of people who have never really met and have nothing but a game to bring them together, I had an awesome time. Friendship is such an interesting thing, all you need is people to listen and a person to talk, and you can get the ball rolling with some awesome people. Rinse and repeat! :)

I leave you with some nerd humor. It's kinda old for those of you who know what it is, but to those of you who've never seen it...well... ENJOY! :)

When We Get There

It's kind of funny. Have you ever thought about how much you want something and when you get it, it is nothing like you expected? Well today was definitely a big smack in the face. For a while, I've been thinking about relationships and dating again. I think a lot of us have been there. The whole, searching for that right person phase. And to be honest, it's been tough trying to forget about thinking about that kind of stuff. With school, work, and family, thinking about a relationship should be far back in my mind. But with new phases in life come new influences in life. For me it's my old/new roommate and his girlfriend and her roommates. I love them all to death! But they're all dating. Playing the third wheel day in and out just gets you thinking about who's important in your life. But at the same time, relationships are a bittersweet thing. While some couple overwhelm you with their sappiness and mushyness, they still fight. Just being around some of the fights and seeing how trivial some couple arguments are make me see relationships in a totally different light.

Moral of the story? The grass is always greener on the other side. (P.S. I totally butchered what I learned in summer class. I was told not to use cliches >.< ) P.S.S. I was looking for this MV all day. It's from Fooly Cool (a.k.a furi curi, a.k.a. FLCL) which is my favorite anime. Watch it if you ever get the chance! I also love the song for this MV. It's Last Dinosaur by The Pillows

Speak / Tell / Provoke/ Ask/ Confess

Sometimes I wish my guitar could write my feelings and thoughts for me. While there are times where one can truly tell an audience how they feel through music, the split second where all your pent up rage, frustration, curiosity, pain, suffering, love, joy, and *insert more random feelings here* release into your instrument, is hard to capture for others to see.

I honestly wish I could pour out that moment to let you know everything in my head. Maybe I'm just too defensive, or too shy to actually let that out and pounding my hand through 6 strings really fast is the weak way out. Or maybe I'm just really bad at explaining myself. Maybe I'll dig up that lyric journal I had from way back when and take a shot at writing songs again. Guess its time to get cracking.

It's like the song I linked below. I don't care for the song too much but I love the chorus.
"I've got 76 inches and 88 keys to get me where I want to be, it's not enough, it's not enough, it's not enough."

Where were we..?

It's been almost three months since I've touched this thing. I guess it's a good thing because I didn't blog during finals and what not but on the other hand, not writing out my thoughts and what's been going on isn't necessarily healthy either. Let's see, in the past three months what has gone on in my life? I've repaired friendships, reestablished contact with people who used to be of great importance in my life, had one of my most academically sound semesters without compensating happiness, finally have a new place to call home, and had my fair share of epiphanies. You could say I'm definitely a lot happier than I was compared to when I originally started writing on this blog. For the three months that I haven't poured my thoughts into this blog, I will start back up with these three thoughts.

LOVE
I start with love. Not love in the sappy, hopeless romantic kind of way but just loving unconditionally. With the patching of relationships comes the awkwardness that follows and learning to love through it has been hard but it has definitely has shown to be worth it. The hardest love lesson I've had to deal with has been family this semester. With my mom's chemo treatments and my dad's constant body aches, my parents haven't necessarily been the friendliest people and it's definitely understandable. I'm not saying that I don't love my parents, but learning to love through things like this is definitely a struggle that I usually run from. God has definitely shown me love and that it is not easy no matter who it is friend or family.

UP
Great movie, I highly recommend it! I know it was a kids movie but the story itself definitely hit me hard over the head. The lesson learned was that it's not about getting there but about how you got there. The part of the movie that really hit me was how Carl was so desperate to get to his destination that he did not stop for the people around him. He was so single minded that by the time he got there, he was all alone and those around him had abandoned him. By the time he got there he realized that he missed all the experiences along the way. When decided to turn back, he couldn't take off because of all the things weighing down his house. I feel like this is something I struggle with. Staying grounded because it's safe and because I refuse to let go of things in order to take off. This summer, I definitely need to do some house cleaning so I can let God lift me up.

COMFORTABLE
I think somewhere along this path during college I forgot a part of myself. It was a fun part of me that i definitely enjoyed and a part I got to re experience at the beginning of summer. I think that I've become so accustomed to the way things are and just accepted them that I let it change me. I need to stop thinking about these petty unwritten rules and stop over thinking. Aside from cleaning this summer, I think that I need to push my limits again and step out of that comfort zone to fine that adventurous part of me.

Time to be spontaneous. Time to bring back those other things that made me who I am. Time to be daring..? Who knows. We'll see as summer continues.

Spring Break...

Things I want to do over spring break...:

1) read a book. doesn't matter what kind. just a book.

2) get better at guitar. i haven't been practicing, im starting to lose it.

3) not stay in bed all day on my computer chatting/playing computer games.

4) relax and get ready for school when it comes back to hit me in the face next week.


I have really low expectations for this break =P

How Far Would You Go...?

How far would you go for the one you love..?


Slumdog Millionaire <3

Advertising & the End of the World

Aestheticism. It's something that truly dominates this world. For my advertising class I saw this video by a man name Jhally. He was claiming how the world was soon coming to an end and how if we do not take action, then people will not consume and eventually we will revert to a barbaric lifestyle. Jhally spoke of how it's the duty of mass media and advertising to push forward and make sure that consumerism stays ever so constant or even have it grow. For the longest time, sex has been the driving force in sales. Sex sells everything. From music, to food, to what we wear sex and its appeal has surrounded us. We've become so attuned to the physical that we forget the other things in life.

For example, today I was in the student center and I saw these two guys comment about this girl walking by. "She's so hot! Look at her sexy walk! *insert more sexual references here* If she were mine, I'd be happy for the rest of my life." And that's the line that got me. They have no idea who that girl is, or how she acts, or what she feels. This girl happens to be a girl in one of my classes that I know and have worked with. She just so happens to be the opinionated, always talking girl. To be honest, I'd rather take the stairs from a ten story building instead of ride an elevator with her to avoid discussion every time we have class together.

I find it really ironic about how critical I am about sex in media, and here I am pursuing a career in advertising. Jhally says that we need to be that force to keep the world going, to keep consumerism and spending going, so this economic circle will continue and people will prosper. Jhally really makes the end of the world sound like the book of Revelations, but the thing is, in there God is the driving force, and he should be here in our lives as well. If we adapt to Jhally's ideas and those who think like him, then I guess it will really be advertising and the end of the world.

"Because He's Christian..."

As much as I would love to trust and base life decisions on the sole fact that someone is Christian, I can't. I don't mean to judge people, but we all make mistakes and sometimes being Christian can blind others from that fact. The reason why I bring this up is because as I heard a friend talk about a business plan to make money, their only rationale was because a friend was also doing it and he was "a really strong Christian." There was no other facts in the reasoning except that he was Christian, he grew up from a strong Christian background, and that things were going well for him. I heard the same defensive argument at least a dozen times until I had to blurt out to go do your own research before doing anything.

It turns out that there are entrepreneurs out there that actually focus on Christians as their target market because apparently to them, we are a group that they can trust as a business investment. I'm not trying to destroy certain legitimate Christian organizations, but looking into business's and business models such as these prove my point.

I'm not trying to judge other Christians I hardly know, but we are all prone to mistakes and being scammed. As much as I wish it were possible, "Because He's Christian," does not cut it for me. Maybe I'm calloused and cynical, but sometimes I believe that we need to be a little bit more on guard in this world.

February

I find this month frustrating yet very very very amusing. It's frustrating because somehow I seem to spend money unnecessarily even though I don't have a valentine, and that people always use this time of year as an excuse to find out who I like. The constant asking of "So who are you going to ask out on Valentine's Day, or where are you flying yourself to, to confess your love thing gets kind of repetitive. Although I'm not going to lie, I have thought about it. =P. February to me is one of the most artificial months of the year. In my opinion, why do you need one day out of a year to show off to the person you care about. If he or she is there at ANY moment, you should just go for it and not confine yourself to one day.

There is so much pressure in this month and especially on Valentine's day. People will travel across the country to keep close friends or relatives company so they don't feel lonely on that day. Some people move out of the comfort of their own apartment so they won't get in their roommates or housemates ways on this day. You see a lot of lovey dovey movies on TV and commercials and what not. A lot of it can depress of it, but some of it is absolutely ridiculous. I guess the reason why I don't like this season is that it singles out so many singles (no pun intended.)

As I was eating my lunch between classes today I discovered why I also find this month so amusing. Companies amp up their promotions so that they can sell the most ridiculous things to make money. I saw a commercial for pajamagrams. Of all things ridiculous that even I could think to sell during this month, on CNN I saw a commercial for pajamagrams. Write a special message on a pair of pajamas to give to your special someone. HOW LAME!!!!! Unless your giving it to a toddler, in which case, please keep it to yourself.

I guess it's amusing how far some people for that in the moment lovestruck high, when it's the long term that really matters.

Thankfulness and then some...

I have something to be thankful for today. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer this past December and had to have surgery and start chemotherapy. I'm relieved to say that her surgery was successful with no complications. While I'm thankful that the surgery went well, the hard part is now about to begin. Months and months of chemotherapy, pain for my mom, and stress for my family. While I'm happy that everything went well, it is a bittersweet feeling.

Beauty in the Breakdown

Maybe these events happen because of the troubled times our country is in with the economy, but I've never seen anything like this anywhere else. Philadelphia is so unique with its diversity. The types of people you see are so varied from what they wear, and how they wear it, to how they look. I live in Center City and commute to school, and get to see all the different types of people. On my way to the train station to get to school yesterday morning I saw cops chasing, and handcuffing a lady who was crying. For those of you who know Philly, you might laugh at me writing about this because it's Philly and we do have a high crime rate. However, as I saw the police cuff the woman and forced her down on the floor, I heard their conversation. The lady was apparently trying to kill herself and someone had called the cops so they could prevent her from hurting herself. It was quite shocking to see, and on my way to school the thought occurred to me "Welcome to Philly." It's so sad to see what the world has come to in this time and place.

On my way home from work last night, I got another taste of Philadelphia and what it has to offer. There was a young teen girl with her baby, and her friend was with her on the train. Some of you might think that it is sad to see a girl who probably younger than me with a kid. However, the story does not revolve around underage parents but the people surrounding them on the train. Next to the two girls and the baby were two elder ladies, and across from them a very professional looking business man, and next to him was me. We were all looking at the adorable baby, and making faces at it with hopes that it would laugh or something. Just the little train ride with the really really cute baby brought 6 people, who would never otherwise talk to one another, together. I got off the train and walked home with the revelation "Only in Philadelphia."

It was so amazing to see two completely different events in the same day that reminded me just of how broken and beautiful the world we live in is. :)

WRITE THINGS DOWN!!!

I really should write things down more often, and right when I think about them. Take this assignment I am doing for Overflow at the moment. I have an idea and I should have written it weeks ago. But here I am dilly dallying and then all of the sudden my creativity decides to go on auto pilot and now I don't remember how I wanted my assignment to be. I should just write things down right away so when my mind decides to go on a rampage I can still be productive.