Forward Motion

"Cause I struggle with forward motion
I struggle with forward motion
We all struggle with forward motion
Cause forward motion is harder than it sounds
Well everytime I gain some ground
I gotta turn myself around again
Its harder than it sounds
Well everytime I gain some ground
I gotta turn myself around again"

Yea, forward motion terrifies me. As much as I try to hide it or even push to the back of my head, it leaves me absolutely petrified. I'm pretty sure it applies to all parts of my life right now. My relationships, my studies, and most importantly, my faith. A lame excuse that I keep feeding myself is that I'm still calculating all the next possible moves in my head and then I will make my calculated decision which never comes.

I think it really comes down to the fact that I'm scared of forward motion. Forward motion means change. Change means winning and losing, and there are some things right now that I don't want to lose. I find it ironic that I love the game of chess. I love all the movements, strategies, and how intense a game can get when your playing with someone who loves the game as much as you. In chess, you make moves knowing that in the exchange you're going to lose pieces in order to gain some ground and move forward, and watching the development of the board is on of the coolest things to see. However, as much as I've related chess to life over these years, and how life is a game, it's not. You can think of all the actions and reactions you possibly could imagine and try to apply that mentality to life but there's one problem there... We are human. That may sound so simple and basic yet it's something that keeps hitting me over the head. The events, people, and things we hold onto so dear in our lives are not wooden pieces on a board of black and white tiles. It if were that easy, I would without a doubt not be letting my fingers frantically hammer away at my keyboard before I forget what's bothering me. Okay, I have digressed enough.

It's because were human that we cannot let go of these things around us, and it makes things harder on ourselves. Letting go is exactly what God asks us to do when he asks us to follow him, and even though we all say that we will and take up the cross, I have to admit, it's probably the thing I have the hardest time dealing with. Even though I know there is so much more, and after all the lessons, when push comes to shove, I'm still sitting here on my butt. It's so hard when life is comfortable. It's the same thing with relationships. Who would want to risk that awesome friendship to potentially make more of it? (Well obviously some of you guys don't have this problem and are exempt :P) For me it's hard. I guess the excuse for this one would be previous pains and hardship so thus I'm taking the easy backdoor and sticking to friendships.

The more one sits there, thinking that where they are is safe, the more they can see how the world is passing them by and what shaky ground they're actually sitting on. I guess what I'm asking God for is more of a shove. I'm selfishly asking for more, and to be honest, I hate it. And I guess that's one of the first steps, realizing we can't do this by ourselves.