Block

You know that feeling when you have something weighing you down? It doesn't necessarily have to be a big thing burdening you, it could be just a small thought thats on your brain and you need to get it out by telling someone. Well that's how I've been feeling lately. This problem is partially my own fault as well... I mean I haven't blogged or actually written anything down in over two months, so maybe that's why my brain feels heavy with all these thoughts that have not been properly stored within a notebook or online.

So here I am again, laying out my brain here and there so I might be able to think a little more clearly for this upcoming school year and what else God has in store for me. I promise that this time, I'll write more for my sake, and to entertain you (hopefully) a little bit. :)

Now hopefully, I can clear my head out in time to finish this choreography, and final project that I have to get done this week. -__-. Wish me luck!~

On Track... I Think...

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, this is my last post on this blog... for now :P. I've been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting as of late, so here are a few questions I've been asking myself.

1) What on earth is wrong with me?!?! I know that is a vague, yet somewhat comical question, but in all seriousness, life has been so smooth and rough at the same time, that honestly, I feel all over the place. Socially and academically, things have just been kind of blah. When I say blah, I do not mean that its non-existent, but rather I do not know how to feel about it.

2) To be honest, I could not remember the reason why I made this blog. I had to sit down last night and today and think about what and why I have been writing on this blog since the end of 2008. While it literally was the Winter Break of 2008, its been only about a year that I've been posting, yet knowing that it is 2010, makes it feel like it has been way over a year since I started this. Upon looking back to my first few blog posts, I remembered that I was writing because I wanted to journal my thoughts while at the same time analyzing and trying to learn more about myself. But this week, for the first time in my life, I honestly had no idea what I was doing with myself. Not as in I was morally conflicted about what I was doing but rather my motivation behind things as well how I felt about the way things are going. Please note I am not saying things are going bad in any way or form, I just have lost my mind and don't know how I feel about things and thus apologize if I have seemed uncaring as of late.

These two things brought me to the conclusion... actually epiphany is a better word... but yes, these two things brought me to the realization that even while I try to understand myself, I will never really understand myself the way I want to. My motivations, desires (aside from my desire for God), will always be changing. And with these changes come new challenges and thoughts up ahead.

Upon this realization, the name of this blog has lost its significance to me for now and thus I am going to start a new one. I hope that the few followers I have will follow me there, and hopefully instead of me ranting, complaining or stating things that may be obvious to you and not yet by me, that you will find something of use or inspiration there. So CHEERS, here's to a new chapter and God Bless!

http://holdonehope.blogspot.com

Take the Lead

There's something about dance that can't really be put in to words. I love dance. The way you can learn things about people just from dancing with them or watching them dance without even talking with them. Dance can tell you some things about people that words would never tell you. It can even tell you things about yourself that you didn't know. By no stretch am I good at tango yet, but one thing I have respect for are the guys that do it. You have to be bold and conscious about the connection you have with your partner, and the signals you give with your body so that your partner can follow your lead. It does wonders for self confidence and I definitely feel better about myself even though I was tripping all over the floor at the Milonga and was nervous because everyone around me was so good. It's safe to say that I'm in love with dance. Granted I'm not even that good at it, but I love the connection with it and the emotion behind it. It could be as simple as leading a girl around a gym to a tango, or something as special as praising God in body worship. I love the expression it allows me and the fact that it can say the things that I'm no good at articulating. I love it. :) I think it's fair to say if I date a girl, she's got to be able to dance.... actually that sounds bad. It doesn't matter if shes good at it or not, she's also gotta have a love for it too... or something like that haha :P

Cards on the Table...

Some of y'all just need to mind your own business and shut up... just sayin

Curveball

God always keeps me on my toes. The moment I get used to the way things are, even if it is something that hasn't been defined yet, He throws me something new to tackle. This time, I feel like the message is " MAN UP!" I feel like right now is the time to show myself and others how much I have changed and grown in these few years. I refuse to be childish this time. This has got to be a test, and God by all means I will tackle this head on because with You, I don't have to worry. I know You will handle everything. On towards the head on collision! I guess it is time for a little interference ;-) hahaha. The interference references are soooo much fun! ^_^

Retreat

Yea, I'm not at retreat either. For those of you who I haven't told, my grandfather passed away this past Monday from pneumonia. He was already in bad shape and has been for years. Thankfully enough he became Christian six years back and is now safely with our Father. I'm in Chicago right now because the funeral was this past Saturday and my aunts, uncles, and parents wanted to postpone it so all the grandchildren could fly home from college and work to be together. While the circumstances have not been so bright, this funeral has been such a blessing. Even though I'm not at retreat with all you guys, I definitely had a retreat of my own, and I'm coming home with new things that need digesting, a few convictions, and things that I've learned about myself and what I want.

My grandpa was a really loving and caring man. He managed to get out of communist China and go to Hong Kong and eventually America, then call for his wife, five daughters and son in Mississippi. From there they eventually moved to Chicago. My grandpa was a chef in a restaurant and spent long hours working to provide for his family. Six kids and a wife to provide for... the thought still baffles me. He sacrificed so much, so he could give to his family, and his joy was in the happiness of his children's dreams and his wife.

I never really thought about how good I had it as a kid. While our parents worked, our grandparents took care of me, my sister, and anywhere from two to four other cousins, so our parents could work and provide. When I think about my grandfather's life, he never really stopped giving. The thought in itself is just so humbling. God willing, if I get to have a wife and children, I would truly like to have as much love in it as my grandfather loved his children and their children. I never thought about how much love there is in my extended family. I truly view my cousins as siblings and being with them is so refreshing and fun. I know I don't get to see them all the time but it's truly amazing to see God working all over the place as he works in and through us.

The one thing I'm taking back to Philly with, is love. At the funeral home, I got the opportunity to see so many old faces. Kids I grew up with in VBS, my old sunday school teacher, the Chinese grandma, that used to babysit me and my cousins, and so many more people. After having the lunch after the funeral, I got to sit in on their stories and hear how God played through all of them and brought many of them together. When hearing their stories, I couldn't help but think to myself how perfectly the stories turned out and how God did all of these things. I think, that after these past few years in college, I've lost focus of loving others and taking care of the people around me. I've been so focused on myself and my relationship with God that I have not opened myself up to all the people God is using around me.

I know it's really weird to say this, but while I was looking for retreat to really kick me into gear for this year and spring semester, this funeral and time spent with family and friends, is what I really needed. Cards on the table, I was kind of angry with God at first that I couldn't go to retreat (childish I know). But He does everything for a reason, and with that, I think I'm ready to get the ball rolling this semester. Let's go guys! :)

Sunday Morning and Decisions, Decisions

So I had this post idea running around in my head since Sunday, but I just never found the time or motivation to actually pound away at my keyboard until now. :D

This is my mash up. Well not really, because to be honest, there is no music involved with this post except that I'm going to post a youtube link for a song because i like it at the end.

I call this my mash up because the two song titles popped into my head on Sunday morning as I was running around getting stuff done. Sunday Morning by Maroon 5 and Decisions, Decisions by The Starting Line. Both songs are at least four years old, but thats irrelevant. This past Sunday, was really packed with social obligations, church, and pretty much just meeting up before this semester kicked off. It started with a friend asking to go out to dim sum. I ended up being late to GCC's Sunday service and had rushed to get to University City to make it. After service I spent the day hanging out with Temple people that I haven't spent time with in a long time. As I was rushing around in the morning I felt God telling me that I would have to make decisions this semester that would stretch me as a person. As the day closed with going out to dinner with some Temple underclassmen, I realized that even though I am going to UC for church, I still love and miss the people at Temple.

This is my mash up because I feel like the decisions that God will lay out before me this semester will make me decide what I want to do or where I want to go. But it occurred to me that the third option of trying to fit it all in was a viable one.

So this semester, I plan on being there. Trying to fit as much as I can into the time that I have, and see where that leads me :) I want to be there for you, and you, and you, and you! You get the picture :D

As for the song I wanted to post, it's entitled Analyze by Tim Be Told. Enjoy!